• Emily Misura

So, I can safely say that I went through my own little Watergate last week. Though Republicans often cause the downfall of the American government by causing constitutional crises at every turn, my very own crisis was caused by an overly observant rando at the lake.

Usually when someone attempts to stop me, I pretend I have invisible headphones in. They can see I'm not wearing any, but then all seem super confused when I don't respond, as if they DESERVE a response. If I occasionally slip up and acknowledge them, I then pretend I don't speak English (I did that last week to a lady canvassing about animal rights. She asked me if I had time to take some survey and I shrugged and said, "I don't speak..." then gesticulated at nothing in particular. She didn't understand, and neither did foreign Emily. Look, I'm a vegetarian. How much more can I do? And don't you dare say go vegan because I'll kill you and eat you if you do). Point to note: I usually don't stop. But this time, an enthusiastic AA man in his late 20's got me. Hard. I'm not sure what he said to initially start us down the road to fuckery, but it was something along these lines:

"Hi, I know this may sound weird and all since you're just minding your own business, but I saw you from across the lake [alarms going off] and just wondered - have you ever noticed how you walk? Are you doing that on purpose, or?"

(Sentret says: "Look at me, wasting your time and space.")

Oh wait, some stupid fucker is trying to talk to me. Or hit on me. Probably hit on me. WHAT YEAR IS IT.

I finally looked up and said what you were already thinking: "What?" He seemed pleased that I had, in fact, acknowledged him. 

"Yeah, the way you're walking. You have a graceful gait. A sort of different way of walking. I just figured I'd tell you." A lot of the times, someone will say something to which I don't know how to respond. It's not that I'm miserable at picking up on social subtleties or cues; sometimes, I literally don't know what anyone is supposed to respond given the context in which something is said. Like, first of all: 1. you were watching me? Like, in a creepy stalker way, since you made it a point to say that you saw me from across the lake. What are you, a God damn lion hunting prey? 2. you were actually thinking about how I walk so that you could then try to use some half-baked, bizarre compliment to get me to stop and talk to you? 3. did you really think that was a normal thing to say, or am I just a bitch? Because that seems like a weird thing to comment on. So I adeptly responded, "Yeah, I've been told I have a certain way of walking. It was when I was in movement ie dance class in college. I attribute it to my scoliosis, honestly. But liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike, thanks I guess? Not really sure what to say to that." He took this as an invitation to keep going: "Are you a musician? I feel like you have that vibe about you." I said that yes, I was a musician. "So what are you doing walking around the lake?" I said that I was catching pokemon on my lunch break. This apparently completely wrecked him. He acted taken aback and exclaimed, "I WOULDN'T HAVE PEGGED YOU AS THE POKEMON TYPE. THAT'S DISAPPOINTING."  ​Well, I guess it's disappointing that you're a huge faggot?

At this point, I was getting super agitated. I had tried to be polite despite the fact that he was both creeping and using up my lunch time, which was already very limited. I sort of shrugged and replied, "Yeah, like, how would you peg me as anything if you don't know me? What, because of how I walk you assumed I don't play pokemon? Cool story bro." Realizing he was about to become a Satanic sacrifice, he suggested we go for coffee. I curtly replied, "Yeah, sure. AS FRIENDS THOUGH. Because I'm not sure why else you would have stopped me unless you wanted to make friends." ​He agreed that it would be as friends,as his penis broke off and flew away from his utter failure.

Don't dis pokemon. Or comment on how I walk. Or be a fucking stalker. 

Pretty simple rules, IMHO.

  • Emily Misura
  1. A group of four men in their late 20's to early 30's walked behind me and made various rude/nasty comments while I walked in front of them. Couldn't hear much but knew they were laughing and gesturing at me. I got he up down a few times with laughter also. I walked towards the Disney amphitheater but then saw them near the Publix side of the lake when they started talking amongst themselves and sneering again. 

  2. "I like your hair!" shouted the douche nozzle from his souped up 1991 sedan.

  3. Random noise similar to one Yoko Ono would make from a guy in another shitty car that smelled like weed when he rolled down the windows to shout.

  4. Construction worker, white, late 30's. I could tell he was going to be a problem right when I passed him. "Hey. I like how you work that," as he gestures to my ass? My boobs? Who tf knows? I politely but firmly say, "That's not really the best way to approach a woman," at which point he called me a stupid bitch, practically spitting on me from the venom with which he phrased it. 

  • Emily Misura
  • August 9 had three incidents: 1. old man busking on guitar stops in the middle of a song to loudly proclaim, "DAMN YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL," proceeds to laugh afterwards for reasons unknown; 2. fellow Pokemon Go player with whom I've raided before says hello. I say hi. He says, "I see you around here a lot - I've been wanting to ask you two questions." I say, ok what's up. He continues, "First one is do you have a boyfriend?" I say yes. He then lamely tries to recover and goes, "Damn, that's cool, that's cool. I like your style." He never asked the second question; 3. white male, mid 20's starts walking next to me. I keep walking, but a little faster. He randomly states, "You look like a fucked up Harley Quinn." I don't say anything and keep walking, which seemingly frustrates/annoys him. He goes, "I'm not even bothering you, though," and has an edge to his voice. I walk faster and don't say anything. He asks me where I'm from. I don't answer. He then LITERALLY starts making weird EDM noises. Almost like he's beat boxing, but with stupid fucking EDM drops.

  • August 29: Homeless-looking man, white, mid 30s. "What if I said you were beautiful?" I kept walking, which is when the nasty muttering started

There were other incidents but I think I forgot to write them down. What a shame... NOT. I'd rather not remember all the times men made me want to become a lesbian for being disgusting, tactless pigs.


© 2020 by Emily Misura